Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
