Since when is my name a synonym for head?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
