I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
