you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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