Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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