Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
