New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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