Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dick very happy bro
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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