Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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