Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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