I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Enjoy the penises
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
