You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
