I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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