I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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