dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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