I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i came on her dog
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
