he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
