Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
