Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
