my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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