She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
