I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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