I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
