You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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