I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
