Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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