Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
