My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
