home. puking in laundry basket.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
