cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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