Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
