I met the friendliest cop last night
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
