Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Randomize
