I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
