If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
