I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
