I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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