CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
