My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
