I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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