It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
