last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
