oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
