I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
