I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
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He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
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First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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