Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
