im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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