I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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