He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
