So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
