I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
