know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
