i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
