i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
