so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
