Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
