he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
