if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
