Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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