I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
